reflection. (write drunk, unedited- overshared feelings.),

if you feel uncomfortable no need to finish 

"(input your friend name) is started a new position as (cool position) at (cool organizations & company), (say congrats)"!

liked. congrats!

"learn about creating an astonishing CV that would make your future HR eyes, glimpsed"

liked. saved. heaped up.

            and those other tips, hacks, lessons, memes, cool threads from such background, newest gossips and all and all and all. living in this moment was great, and not, at the same time. I questioned my path, yep, I just decline 4 offers as deputy, which is I don't know why I did this, ya, I know I try to figure myself out, and at the same time got rejected from 2 organizations, probably for the other 2 too (look like I am not an eligible candidate on those positions or at least to fit in as even a mentee, in a simpler word, I am not capable enough on doing that, which I finally found out it better enough for me to get rejected that way, rather than crying for months for my inability to adapt on those cool culture I don't even fit in on the first place). Of course, I feel a lot of pressure, no not from my env, it's from my own self. I've been doing nothing all along these 2 months. January was the worst. I can't even sleep without crying even just one night. Breaking with people we've been spending a lot of time (when I said a lot, it means up to half-year) and figuring what was my life without or sadly, but inevitable, being replaced, somehow felt sho heartbreaking. I started tweeting stuff and doing my third account to share how depressing that time was, which when I re-read it, I somehow figured out how hurt it was. it still, tho, but in a lesser dose. Music doesn't entertain me, nor movies, or youtube videos. Break semester time is the hardest, I feel isolated. And unconsciously started to talk mean to people, believe me, it unintentionally happened (I don't even remember I did say that). I know, talking here wasn't great either, but I just wanna shared, how sad my life could be, and it seems to be the lowest point (lower than my gap year times). Validating my emotion, not what I said. I might edit this thing, later.

           I started to work unpath. I live my own life for having a loooooot of free time. started to feeding fish, doing boxing (which i shared as a content to my second account to tell my circle I was super happy living my life they dont have to stress, I actually do boxing imagining how I had hating people- they don't even had a fault, I drew the scenario, and started to punch them in my dream. I know its weird, I should've had some medication/ go to professionals instead, but I don't know why, when I met a person, all of my delusions falls a part. ), I learning new songs on piano (of course sad song), tweeting sad stuff, doing my makeup (I'm proud of this achievement, actually, my break and lowest point, wasn't that bad after all),  listening to online class, watching opera soaps and sending loves to people my people that started to voyage. Life, life, my storm, my waves, is now kindly manageable. I accept my sadness, my insane point, my impulsive hand for writing un humor thoughts which I think it was but when I re-read it, it was tragic/ dramatic actually. I started smiling. oh, I uninstall my ig actually, brought me peace!

        Life's good, after all. Yep, I once started comparing my life to other people, but I forget that if I wanna do it, I need to do it vice versa-, I need to swap my all life to other people's whole life, which is sucks. Even I ever hate my own, I still dont want to forget everything that happened here and be someone next door, without contemplating what and how they feel. I once blind of how blessed am I, I lived under a safe roof, free from disaster and sickness, I live completely with my family, happily, our family had a chance to lend a hand in this pandemic situation, I could fulfill all of my physical needs without the feeling of worry, I am totally content. I started figuring out what was the things that trigger me (which is  my PMS cycle, inconsistent eating schedule, some people's sg, and so on, and so on). i started to choose my own self. I said no and i said i don't know. I once have some tendencies to be the one that knew-it-all, but when I started to feel i don't and i don't have to, that saves my life. I should've be more honest on my condition I'm afraid people wont accept me, but now the fact that i could manage my own without sacrificing a person to take care of my tangled feelings means i accept me and someday people will accept me by the time i accept them for being them cause i value honesty better than perfection. 

        How could I don't think about this at my preceded time, hahaha. nope, I don't wish I could turn back the time like i wish yesterday, i wish i take care of my self better and not hurting people that don't have any fault on me, what a lesson meeting me, i started to think maybe this is why I won't join things, why i failed things, why i cry over things, what a lesson for me, that in a month minus 4 days would be tweni. Life's offer a lot. I am so blessed I have what I have now. to live my life now, to meet people I met, to work with people I worked, to do the job I did, to learn things based on everything universe offer to me. Thank you, thank you. Even I knew I could never thank the One that created me enough, but i wish this world, or even a head, knew that life will show you the way. It will. So don't stop. 

anyway, besok kelas pagi, and i had to sleep. forgive the un-capital "i"

I wish you found what was meant for you, the one you longing for.

minus one month minus four days ver. of you.